January 30, 2014 – Dreams of Being Lost

I’ve been having dreams of being lost. It doesn’t matter what the story line of the dream is. I end up wandering in my dream and not necessarily finding my way. If it was just a few dreams, I’d probably dismiss it as crazy random dreams but it has been most nights in the past few weeks. I’d rather go back to dreaming of eating something delicious and waking up before I got it. Since my lost dreams are persistent, I’ve realized I feel lost in my current scenario in life also. Many of those feelings are related to L. I’m just plain old weary when it comes to L. I’m so sad and frustrated. I feel at a loss to know how to help him. Insurance won’t take him at our first choice for evaluation. We are looking at the options and I’m scared to make the wrong choice. I just want to see him be able to excel instead of being out of control so often. He needs me to be strong and I don’t feel that way. It doesn’t help that my hormones are out of whack. I’ve been spotting or having a light flow since the first of this year. I’m due my period now and am getting it. I’ve been having pain in my mid back on my left side and on to my left lower tummy. It has been stupid cold here so I haven’t wanted to go exercise when it is 5 degrees out. I’m struggling to be hopeful and motivated about my health and about L. I need a vacation with no stupid period, lots of margaritas, a warm beach, gardens, good food, no pain, no out of control behavior from L and some quality couple time with B……sounds so good right now. Best I can hope for is my period going away when it should in a few days and some quality time with B if my period would ever go away. I don’t see a warm beach in my near future. I’ll be lucky to have an occasional margarita. I will have some sort of pain based on my history. I just hope to find what L needs. This worry is tearing me up.

December 10, 2013 – What is in the Water?

I’ve got to vent. There must be something in the water around here. I can think of six women having babies this next year. Can I have a drink? One is LM which is wonderful. B’s coworker announced her unexpected pregnancy yesterday. As yucky as I feel I guess I’m just hypersensitive. I still have this dream that I might could have one more chance to be pregnant, have a baby, and just enjoy that aspect of motherhood once more. I really should just forget it. Stupid feelings!! Logically, I should be good to just raise my little men, try to keep what health I can, and grow old with B. It is just ridiculous feelings that make me want to cry. I’m just not in a good spot mentally at this moment. I’ll just have to smile, stuff my feelings in a blog, and forget about babies. I have to be done even if I want a chance to have a baby girl(or another boy).  I am blessed to be a mom of two boys and a wife to a great husband.  They need me to take care of me so I can be there for them. It is hard at this moment.