The Overtaken Soul — Suicide

Depression can overtake the soul. It is all consuming. It takes all joy, tears, and life as its own. It will make you forget that it doesn’t hurt just yourself but your loved ones too. It will make you seek ways to numb the overwhelming feelings. The numbing agents may be anything from drugs, drinking, overeating, self-harm or the end all–suicide.

Suicide has been in the media a lot the past few days due to the death of actor, Robin Williams. I’ve always heard suicide is the ultimate sign of selfishness. Selfishness might be a part of it but those that commit this have forgotten that their actions and feelings matter to others. I have enough experience with depression to know that you can only feel those dark feelings so deeply and long to the point you want it to stop and you don’t want to be a burden any longer. It is intense at the self-harm stage so I don’t want to ever know the depth of sorrow to seek suicide as an option for relief.

It can be difficult to ask for help. You don’t want to be seen as weak or as a problem. You don’t want to be teased or put down with insults. I can imagine adding addiction to the mix puts one’s brain in an irrational mess too. Asking for help means facing that there is a problem.

Depression is a real health problem just like being diabetic or having a heart issue. Someone with depression needs their health care needs met too. A depressed person needs empathy and support. There is no shame in needing an anti-depressant medication. Finding healthy coping mechanisms is necessary. It could be talking with someone like a friend or a counselor. It helps to have someone to be accountable to. Praying is powerful. Positive self talk and taking deep breaths can work also.

If you are falling in the downward spiral, please find someone to help you. Depression may always be with you but taking care of you means it can be an ugly shirt in the back of your closet. Hopefully, that ugly shirt can stay in the back of the closet as much as possible and not on you. Depression is miserable. Suicide is never the answer.

Be kinder than necessary. You never know what someone else is going through.

Praying Them Through Their Day

Today is the first day of first grade for my little men. Just the same way I did when they went to kindergarten, I’m saying little prayers for them and their teachers throughout the day. The boys have been excited about going back to school since they went to meet their teachers and see their classrooms earlier this week. It has been almost all they could talk about. They had been building lego classrooms and imagining all kinds of stories using them. I’m excited they are excited. I’m also nervous after how the past year went. I’m hoping A settles in well, learns lots, and makes friends outside of L. As for L, I hope the new med he is on is helpful for his ADHD. He has been taking quillivant xr for about a week now. He is tolerating the 2ml dose well so far. I’m not sure how much it is helping but I’m curious to see if it helps his focus at school. We opted not to inform his teacher initially about the IEP process. B and I wanted his teacher to meet him as L and not a list of issues and extra work. Anyhoo, it is a day by day process in helping L learn how to cope with his feelings (frustrations, mostly) appropriately, social cues, slow processing, and low working memory issues.

As I pray throughout this day:

I’m praying for A to settle in well in his new class and teacher. I hope that he feels comfortable, motivated, and cared for during his day. I hope his classmates are kind and understanding. I feel like he will be okay overall.

I’m praying for L to become comfortable in his new class and with his new teacher. I hope his meds help with his focus so he can have a chance at learning well and be motivated to try. I hope his classmates are kind and understanding. I hope he tries to get to know the other kids and grow socially. I hope he is able to control his frustration and use his words positively to help others understand his needs. I hope he isn’t mistreated. I worry over him…a lot.

I’m praying for both of the new teachers in my boy’s life. I hope they have a caring heart, understanding, compassion, and patience for my boys and the other students too. The boys had really great teachers last year and I hope to see that again this time. Any teacher etc. that shows love and compassion to my boys will forever be special in my heart. I appreciate it.

I’m praying for B and I to be the parents the boys need us to be. That is an ongoing prayer in my heart. I want to help, have patience, have understanding, advocate for, and love my boys. I try. It isn’t always easy.

 

July 19, 2014 – I Am Poison.

I have what ifs on my mind. Maybe it is guilt, worry, anxiety, and depression speaking. What if I was never supposed to have had my boys? Maybe my body was too messed up from PCOS and endometriosis. Maybe whatever caused the PCOS and endometriosis damaged my body where it wouldn’t have been a good idea to have babies. Maybe my infertility meant my body wasn’t a good place for babies. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken fertility drugs to help my messed up body get pregnant. I’m poison with my messed up hormones, unnatural endo growths, depression, insulin resistance, and now possible autoimmune issues etc. Is it my fault that L has autism and ADHD? I shouldn’t have taken zoloft during my pregnancy, right? My dr. said it was safe. I’m not so sure. I took metformin the first trimester because my dr. said it was safe. I took terbutaline to stop contractions because my dr. said it was safe. I feel like I hurt my babies and maybe they should have never been born. That being said, I love my boys with all my heart and would do anything for them. I’m thankful that I did get to have a pregnancy, give birth, and have the chance to be a mom. As much as I’d love a chance to have another pregnancy, my body is poison. I’m not safe for any more kids. I’m responsible for my two boys and I love them. That is all I can do.

July 19, 2014 – April, May, June, and July So Far!

Once again I haven’t blogged regularly. It looks like I was dealing with possible thyroid issues last time I wrote. My three nodules are stable and need to be checked again in a year. I’m still having issues. I know my lungs are fine and those nodules on my thyroid are small and stable. I still having shortness of breath. I’m back on a med for acid reflux which seems to be helping the acid burn in the back of my throat. I’m tired of my issues. I just want it fixed.  I want to feel able to workout again.

 

Backtracking to April, my brother got married in a sweet, beautiful ceremony. He is happy and that makes me feel glad.  My little men turned 6. We didn’t have a party with work, wedding, and school obligations. We had many small celebrations with family, classmates, etc. Also, in April, there was a crazy tornado in a nearby town we shop, eat, and visit often. L has been anxious about bad weather especially since then. 

 

May brought the final days of kindergarten, evaluations for L’s issues, good report cards, and the start of summer vacation. A had a great year of school. L did fine academically but behavior/social issues were ever abundant. We were able to get L evaluated at an area autism center. I was interviewed and filled out lots of paper work. L was also tested on another day. It was a month before we had results. 

 

June came with my birthday, a music festival, library time, VBS, room update for the boys, and results of the evaluation. My birthday was on a Sunday. I was blessed with cash, two gift cards, and a bag of dirt. Yes, I was glad for the dirt even if I’ve had too much rain, too much shade in the wrong places, seeds that wouldn’t grow, bugs, etc.  B and I took the boys to their first concert. It was a tornado relief fundraiser. Paul Thorn was the headliner but he wouldn’t be on until later. The boys enjoyed themselves but fell asleep by the time Paul came on. That was fine since they had had a long day with VBS and bike riding at the park. What wasn’t great was when A woke up confused and crawled up onto B’s lap…then he peed on B. I had L sleeping on me. Shortly after the pee from A, L let lose on my lap. It looked like I wet myself. I was only glad it was dark outside but I still got some strange looks on the way back to the car at the end of the show. A few days later, B and I went to the inaugural Moon River Music Festival in Memphis at the historic Levitt Shell. We had our seats right up at the front, middle of the stage. It was an all day music fest with an amazing line up!  Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors, Will Hoge, Holly Williams, and the Dirty Guv’nahs were among my favorites but there was not a bad act. It was crazy hot, sticky with random rain showers. It was one of the best fests I have attended. I won’t forget the memories made here anytime soon. B and I finally got to update the boys room. They had outgrown their toddler daybeds. We painted it a lovely blue gray color after the sunny yellow it has been the last six years. I loved that yellow. I vow that some other room must be that sunny, happy yellow. We put together bunk beds, put in new dressers, and reused some other storage. The boys love it. They are proud of their room and their beds. L sleeps on top and A on the bottom. A likes to go visit L’s bunk. The other big thing of the month was the evaluation results for L. B and I were told L has combined presentation ADHD and was high-functioning in autism spectrum disorder. We had a lot of information thrown at us. I didn’t look at the report again until the following week just because it was so much to figure out where to begin. The results weren’t surprising it was a matter of figuring out the steps to help L.

July is where we are now. It is what it is. We had a lovely fourth of July with my parents after we attended the community parade. Someone we attend church with invited the boys and I to ride along in their trailer. I was touched to be included for the boys sake. A was eager to accept the invitation. L refused until I offered to go with him. Basically, he wanted to ride but felt insecure in the setting. He sat in my lap refusing to speak to anyone else, wave, or throw candy despite my gentle encouragement. One little thing stand out in my mind weeks out from that parade. One of the other adults I also go to church with called back to everyone in the trailer when we saw B (who was taking pictures for the newspaper), she said, “Hey y’all! We have an “in” to get in the paper, wave at B!” I felt a bit used. It doesn’t mean I won’t be my nice self. I just got reminded that people have motives and are in it for themselves. It isn’t easy to make friends more than acquaintances when you are the wife of a newpaper editor in a small town. Anymoo, the boys had their 6 year wellness visits this past week. A weighed 52 lb and was 49 1/2 in tall. L weighed 62 lb and was 49 in tall. L has never weighed more than A their entire lives. L began eating and sleeping better after getting over his tonsil and adenoid surgery. L still in unable to stay dry through the night or wake up enough to know to go to the bathroom. We opted to wait another year before trying a med for that. L was given a sample of Intuniv to try to see if that is helpful for his ADHD. Problem is I can’t convince him to even try to swallow a pill. I don’t know what we will do at the moment. We haven’t been able to get in touch with the special education coordinator for the school district the past two weeks. She is supposed to be back Monday. We need to get L an IEP. The kid is incredibly smart but his working memory is terrible. Like I said, it is what it is.

March 27, 2014 – In The Dark…

I had a dream recently about B and I in the car on a dark night with no headlights. We kept going but couldn’t see where we were going. That describes one part of my life now. 

A few weeks ago, I noticed a strange swelling in my neck. It hurt and it was hard to breath deeply upon exerting myself. It wasn’t improving so I went to get this checked out with my dr. I was sent for a thyroid ultrasound. I learned I have three nodules on the right side of my thyroid. One is larger than the other two and they were all solid not liquid filled. I’m in the process of the thyroid uptake scan. I’ll get my 24 hour scan shortly since I’m sitting in the hospital parking lot now. I hope to have a bit more direction with what I need to have done next soon. My attitude is one thing at a time but I still feel in the dark about where I am ultimately going on this journey.

 

Update: The test is complete. I now have to wait 48 hours plus all weekend to hear the results. The tech wished me good luck. I could only say thanks while thinking I hope I’m ok. So waiting is what I shall do.

January 30, 2014 – Dreams of Being Lost

I’ve been having dreams of being lost. It doesn’t matter what the story line of the dream is. I end up wandering in my dream and not necessarily finding my way. If it was just a few dreams, I’d probably dismiss it as crazy random dreams but it has been most nights in the past few weeks. I’d rather go back to dreaming of eating something delicious and waking up before I got it. Since my lost dreams are persistent, I’ve realized I feel lost in my current scenario in life also. Many of those feelings are related to L. I’m just plain old weary when it comes to L. I’m so sad and frustrated. I feel at a loss to know how to help him. Insurance won’t take him at our first choice for evaluation. We are looking at the options and I’m scared to make the wrong choice. I just want to see him be able to excel instead of being out of control so often. He needs me to be strong and I don’t feel that way. It doesn’t help that my hormones are out of whack. I’ve been spotting or having a light flow since the first of this year. I’m due my period now and am getting it. I’ve been having pain in my mid back on my left side and on to my left lower tummy. It has been stupid cold here so I haven’t wanted to go exercise when it is 5 degrees out. I’m struggling to be hopeful and motivated about my health and about L. I need a vacation with no stupid period, lots of margaritas, a warm beach, gardens, good food, no pain, no out of control behavior from L and some quality couple time with B……sounds so good right now. Best I can hope for is my period going away when it should in a few days and some quality time with B if my period would ever go away. I don’t see a warm beach in my near future. I’ll be lucky to have an occasional margarita. I will have some sort of pain based on my history. I just hope to find what L needs. This worry is tearing me up.

January 27, 2014 – My Wayward L

Once again I’ve neglected my blog. I’ve thought quite a few times I needed to do some writing but I didn’t want to cry. My little L is on my heart and I have been/am worried about him. He missed three days of school before Christmas vacation due to running a fever/tonsillitis. He was pitiful. He had his tonsils and adenoids removed the day after Christmas. It took most of his Christmas vacation to get healed from surgery. He is resting so much better and doing great physically. L continues to have social, behavior issues. He just seems to be getting worse. He has been refusing to do classwork. He won’t stay in his seat. He has meltdowns. He threw blocks in class last week and busted a little girl’s hand. He won’t follow directions. He yells and screams in class and at home. It really seems out of his control. I had him referred to be evaluated at the children’s hospital in the region. It may take a while to have him seen. I just don’t know what to do in the meantime. I am wincing at the thought of how he is behaving. You can speak to him and he won’t respond. He won’t maintain eye contact. Something isn’t right. I’m afraid for his future. 

December 10, 2013 – What is in the Water?

I’ve got to vent. There must be something in the water around here. I can think of six women having babies this next year. Can I have a drink? One is LM which is wonderful. B’s coworker announced her unexpected pregnancy yesterday. As yucky as I feel I guess I’m just hypersensitive. I still have this dream that I might could have one more chance to be pregnant, have a baby, and just enjoy that aspect of motherhood once more. I really should just forget it. Stupid feelings!! Logically, I should be good to just raise my little men, try to keep what health I can, and grow old with B. It is just ridiculous feelings that make me want to cry. I’m just not in a good spot mentally at this moment. I’ll just have to smile, stuff my feelings in a blog, and forget about babies. I have to be done even if I want a chance to have a baby girl(or another boy).  I am blessed to be a mom of two boys and a wife to a great husband.  They need me to take care of me so I can be there for them. It is hard at this moment.

December 10, 2013 – It Is What It Is

I was called to a return appointment at the rheumatologist the week after my initial visit. Two of my labs came back positive-ANA and rheumatoid factor. As part of the ANA, the tests for Lupus and sjogren’s were positive but the additional tests were normal for those. My labs that would show inflammation were normal also. I’m not showing quite enough symptoms for a specific diagnosis. My labs, carpal tunnel, and the recent onset of achy joints overall (not just my wrists) means the doctor wanted to try a “low” side effect medication and see me back in January. Plaquenil has been an experience so far. One of the common side effects is diarrhea. I have finally got the runs stopped but I had many episodes over a fifteen day period. I have cut back on my dose and a little research informed me to not take this med with Crestor. I started taking 200mg after eating lunch and that worked! I’m considering increasing to 400mg in the same dose after lunch. In the meantime, I am still dealing with achy joints. It will take months to know if this med will help me. No specific diagnosis but I do have some sort of connective tissue thing happening. It is what it is. I just hope I can be my active self again someday. I want to be able to run. I tried this past weekend and was able to do five miles in intervals. My hip joints, ankles, and heels have hurt since along with tingling on the top of my left foot. This sucks. I’m feeling really down. I need to see some hope in all this. I know it could be worse right now but I’m afraid it will get worse. 

November 9, 2013 – Waiting on Labwork

Tick, tick, tick, tick…..the clock ticks on as I’m waiting. I’m trying not to worry until I have something to worry about. I had 6 vials of blood taken from my arm this past Wednesday afternoon at the rheumatologist. I have a list of what all the lab was checking. It will be Monday before I hear anything result wise. It doesn’t help as I have waited the last couple of days my left hand has been having tremors throughout the days and my wrists are aching. The tremors make me a nervous wreck after a while. I may have nothing to worry about result wise and if that is true then I’m thankful. I’ll move on to the next doctor that can help. IF the results show something very off, I have all kinds of concerns. I’m a little scared of the what ifs. I don’t dare go into all my crazy worries here because I will have a long cry trying to put my thoughts into words. I don’t want to cry yet. I don’t want to cry unless I have a reason too.

This is the list of labs done. The part that is dark on the right says anti-histone. I’ve looked all this up already. This website seems to be a good resource for a non medical person to generally understand: Index of Lab Tests