Wednesday of this week was surreal to me. I had an appointment to meet with the rheumatologist for the first time. I was nervous about the appointment because I wanted to be ready to tell the dr everything he needed to know to help me best. The surreal part was being back in a town I lived in for two years of my life back in college. I hadn’t been back since at least early 2007 if not before that. I lived there from fall 2000-spring 2002. B and I ate lunch at chicken tender restaurant we had eaten at many times in college. It all felt strange. Everywhere I looked as we drove around before and after my appointment, I felt like I didn’t belong here. B asked me if I wanted to drive by my old apartment and I immediately said no. I don’t want to go back there not even in my memory. When I lived there, I went to a bad place mentally that still haunts me if I let it. I made fantastic grades at the University but I was barely holding me together. I don’t want to rehash my lows completely but I will say I was incredibly depressed and I had urges to self-harm. It was not a cutting thing but a cause pain in order to feel control. I’m not going to type what ways I caused physical pain to myself. I just can’t go there now. I was having panic attacks with my mind playing bad tricks on me. I had flashbacks for years of those low times. I’m much better today with meds and B’s support/love. So being in that town was surreal and made me uneasy. It made me uneasy in the same way that if I hear Five for Fighting songs now it puts my mind off kilter. I loved Five for Fighting at that time but ever since then that music pulls me right back in that darkness. If it comes on Pandora or other station, I’m quickly passing those songs by to try to avoid that place in my mind. I’ve got to leave this post at this point because I just need to focus elsewhere. I’m feeling a little down for other reasons for another post.
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November 9, 2013 – Giraffe and Frog
For Halloween 2013 my little men voiced an opinion on what costume they wanted to wear. A wanted his favorite animal, giraffe. L wanted his favorite animal, frog. I made it happen like any Mama would try to. The giraffe was based on this: giraffe inspiration I located brown pants and a brown shirt. I used a lot of masking tape to make the pattern of the giraffe. I used brown foam sheets and elastic for the hooves. I didn’t use a pattern for the hooves. I made the headband based on directions on the previous link. I didn’t really do a mane since I didn’t do the giraffe top with a brown pull over hoodie. I did a tail made out of rope covered in brown felt with masking tape for the giraffe pattern. It was finished off with a couple of brown pom poms on the tip of the tail. L’s costume was much simpler. He ended up being a speckle bottom frog since green pants are hard to find. So camouflage pants and a green shirt were the base. I bought the frog eye headband off Amazon: frog eye headband I made the frog feet with green foam sheets and elastic. I did not use a pattern for the feet.
What really matters is both boys really loved their costumes. Look at their sweet faces! A told me the giraffe costume was his most favorite costume he had ever worn. I had two really happy excited boys. We only got to trick or treat for about 15 minutes due to the awful weather conditions that included rain and gusty winds. I honestly felt a bit of a let down since I had been working on how to fulfill the boys requests for so long (months). I am ultimately happy since they were happy as I look back on Halloween 2013.
October 31, 2013 – Soggy Halloween, Bad Behavior, and First 5K
Halloween has arrived. I’m just not feeling all that excited. I can’t say that for the little men because they are bouncing off walls eager to go trick or treating this evening. They developed an opinion this time on Halloween costumes. L wants to be a frog and A wants to be a giraffe. Those are their favorite animals. It’s not a cute coordinated costume thing as in the past but I’ve done my best to come up with a frog costume and a giraffe costume. I think the giraffe one looks awesome. I’ve put the most work into it. The frog one is not so great but if he is happy, that is all that matters. I’ll have to come back to blog with pictures in the next few days. By the way, it is raining and will be raining all day. Instead of a Boo Parade, it will be a gather in the old hardware building in downtown for a costume contest. Instead of Trunk or Treat, it will be tables inside rather than trunks. I didn’t even care to come up with a costume for myself. I just am not feeling it.
L has had good days and many not so great days at school lately. Yesterday was apparently the worse day ever according to his teacher. She never understood what prompted the behavior but from what I understood from L, he didn’t like how he was graded on a worksheet. The students were supposed to be writing down what letters they had learned so far. This week was F. L felt strongly that F should be number 12 (the last one) rather than on number 5 like his teacher said. He got completely out of control by hitting his head on the wall several times during the rest of the day, throwing chairs, and yelling–which led him to be taken to the principal’s office since he was being incredibly disruptive and was a danger to himself and others. I’m at a loss to know what to do with this child. I do think he has some language expression difficulties and some sensory things going on. You can talk to him about what you expect from him and what he did was not nice. He does understand how he should behave since I have had him verbalize many times what he should do in various situations. B and I have talked to him about dealing with his frustration. He seems think he can do just what he wants no matter what his teacher or B and I say. He doesn’t seem to get that it is not a good thing to go to the principal’s office. This behavior isn’t all in his control but I don’t know how to help him. Academically, he is bored. I’d love to know what his reading level actually is because he can read most anything he tries to. He doesn’t do all his classwork but his teacher does make sure he is understanding and he can show her he knows what ever they are learning at that time. I’m really worried for L. He is such a sweet, loving kid. B and I have some things we are planning to try but it will take time to be able to schedule tonsil removal during Christmas break and likely a behavior evaluation at the children’s hospital in the region.
A is doing awesome in school. He makes good grades, participates in class, volunteers to help, and socializes with the other kids. He is becoming independent and confident with himself. It has been the best thing to separate him from L at school. A can excel without constantly worrying about L.
In order to finish up this blog on a bit more positive note, B and I did our first 5K a few weekends ago. I’m really proud of both of us. B finished in 47:57 and I rocked it at 35:53. B has lost about 40 lb and I’ve lost 36 lb. I want us to keep pushing forward with better diet choices and regular exercise. I can see such an amazing difference. Besides I love needing smaller clothing. I bought a size 6 in jeans over the weekend. I’ve never wore that size!!
August 29, 2013 – Catching Up…With Urkel?
Did I do that? (in my best Urkel voice) Yes, I did neglect to blog since my follow-up from pilar cyst surgery in June. The same week as surgery we took a family trip to the zoo. I wore a hat because it sure wasn’t pretty under it. We fed giraffes, we rode a camel, and we petted sting rays. A still talks about feeding the giraffes even now. Giraffes are his favorite. I was so excited to ride a camel. I had turned down the opportunity as a child and wished I had done it anyway. Riding on the camel rocked! The sting rays were just cool. They are smooth, obviously wet, and fast. Seeing all the animals and spending time together as a family was simply awesome. We even managed to take the boys to see the MS river for their first time. We got stuck on the interstate briefly so the boys got to go to AR for the first time also. We had a picnic supper near Mud Island. Then we walked by the river at Tom Lee Park. The boys were is awe of the river and even saw a barge pass by. L loves maps so this was a big deal for him to see the river.
The next week I had my staples removed. It didn’t hurt hardly at all. Best of all, I could go back to exercising again since I could get sweaty. I picked up my walking with speed and distance. It is my quiet time. It is just as good physically as it is mentally for me. In July, I bought my first pair of running shoes. Those shoes have made a huge difference. I started walking and running intervals. I wouldn’t think I’d like running but I kind of do. It is a challenge for me. I’m now up to four miles in distance and an average pace under thirteen minutes per mile. I’ve also lost 30lb since last October. I did this. I made the diet changes. I did the exercise. I own this achievement. I also thank God for every step because He made me able. I’m hoping to lose at least 5lb more so I can say that my BMI is actually normal. It hasn’t been normal in a long time if ever. I’ve always carried a little extra weight. Part of me is still stunned that I’ve come this far. I don’t want to ever go back. Most of my clothes are too big on me. I’ve had to buy pants quite a few times just trying to keep them on me. The last pants I bought were a 9 in the junior department. Those are a bit loose on me now too.
The later part of July brought me disconcerting symptoms with my health. My hands and feet became tingly. It was sudden onset. I had, still do have, times I’m very shaky. I have an involuntary jerk in my shoulder and neck also. I went to my dr and learned my antinuclear antibody test was positive (1-160 titre). I had a nerve conduction study done and learned I have nerve damage in both wrists. I wear wrist braces day and night now. That does help with the tingly sensations. I guess it is mild carpal tunnel but it was sudden onset. Something triggered this reaction in my body. I’m still waiting to get in to see a rheumatologist in regards to the positive ANA. The positive ANA can mean quite a few things. I may be someone who always shows a positive on that but doesn’t get sick from some illness. It could mean I have the risk for an autoimmune disease developing or is developing. I really don’t know what to expect from my body next. My body seems to have a history with inflammation. I had Bell’s Palsy when pregnant (facial nerve inflammation). I had costochondritis earlier this year (rib cartilage inflammation). Now my nerves in my wrists have issues. My knee randomly flared up two nights ago. My joints are all achy since then. I can only take this day by day. Also, I keep telling people I have carpal tunnel when they question the wrist braces. I haven’t really done anything repetitively. I’m not really in much pain with my wrists. I just don’t know what else to say without going into details that I don’t know the answers to myself.
B and I went to Birmingham the early part of August. The long awaited concert with the co-headlining Matchbox Twenty and Goo Goo Dolls was amazing. It was worth the wait and we had great seats. It was nice to have the time together. I don’t get tired of that blessing. The morning after the concert we went to Morgan Creek Vineyard. We had both fallen in love with their muscadine wine over the past few years. We had been wanting to come to the vineyard if we ever got close enough. We enjoyed a wine tasting of all their wines and a tour. B and I also stocked up on wines we hadn’t had access to before. It was so worth the time to go there. We went to the mall in Hoover for a bit. I think I enjoyed going in the Lego Store more than anything there. We ate at California Pizza Kitchen for the first time and it was yum. We started the journey back to pick up the boys after that. We did make one stop on the way to say we had been to Natural Bridge. It’s pretty amazing and it is the only natural bridge formation east of the Rockies. That was such a good trip and I know the boys enjoyed the extra time with Nana and Pop.
School days….my babies started school August 6. It was a bumpy start. We got called in to meet with the teacher and assistant principal on the third day of school and another time two weeks later. Both times were for L’s behavior. IF I were to diagnose L with something, I would guess expressive language disorder and a bit of sensory processing disorder. He has a hard time putting his thoughts together verbally. He gets overwhelmed in loud situations. He puts his hands over his ears. L is also bright and ahead of many of his classmates academically. B and I ended up agreeing to separating the boys so A stayed where he was and L moved to a new class. We didn’t think the move would help but so far we were wrong. A is doing great. L is doing great. Both are bringing home E for excellent on their daily conduct grades. They often see each other at the playground during the day. L’s teacher has a better way with him than the previous one did. I’m just glad it is helping. A is doing great on his school work and making friends. L has to be motivated to finish his work every time and not draw on it because he is bored. L can read well for his age and so many of the other children are just learning what a word is. Socially, L is having a hard time relating to the others. The previously noted diagnoses still apply to L but we have found a happy place with school. We have a plan if the behavior/language issues need addressing also.
June 12, 2013 – Worst Hair Day Ever!
Since my last post, I had begun regularly walking and doing back exercises every day. After the soreness of the first couple days eased, I was enjoying the benefits of exercise. The back exercises had helped my scoliosis pain tremendously and put my mind in a positive outlook. I had been enjoying challenging myself with power walking. My best time I had worked up to was 39 minutes for a 2.5 mile distance. It was a challenge and it felt amazing to say that “I did this” and “scoliosis will not kick my butt”. I’m having to cut out the exercise temporarily due to recovering from pilar cyst excision earlier this week. Surgery went well. I was put under general anesthesia. It was a large pilar cyst as expected. I have 8 staples in my scalp right now. The surgical nurse was considerate to not shave too much off my head. I’ve been doing well overall since surgery. B has taken excellent care of me including putting antibiotic ointment on my wound twice per day and helping me take my pain med every 4 hours to control the pain. B has done all the laundry, cooking, and everything else. He has been amazing and I’m thankful he is my very involved person. Otherwise, today is the first day my throat hasn’t hurt from where the tube was placed during surgery. I suspect the muscle relaxant used prior to tube placement caused the neck stiffness and muscle pains. It is better today too. I hope I can ease off the loratab soon. I’m having the staples removed next week and I hope that area will be numbed up first. I’m looking forward to being healed up, all hair grown back, and to be able to exercise again. I just can’t get sweaty and loratab makes me loopy.
May 24, 2013 – Cheering on Despite the Struggle
There is an emotional side to the medical mess I’m dealing with. Yesterday, I was feeling ok, not 100%, but pretty good. The little men and I go out in the yard. I’m watering my plants with miracle gro laced water. The watering can is a two gallon one but I was doing fairly ok with the weight of it unless I had to raise the can higher for plants on shepherd’s hooks or shelves. I get to my flower bed in the backyard to see that the recent rain had helped lots of grass spring forth. I crouch down to try to pull some of the crop before it gets too rooted. Something I took for granted to be able to do had left me in pain for the rest of the evening. Back pain from scoliosis had reared its ugly head. I spent most of the evening with a heating pad. Now I don’t know that the pain will always be limiting but it scares me that it could be a regular thing. I like to be active, play with my boys in the yard, and garden. I really don’t want that to be limited due to pain. I feel a bit sad, worried, and scared at times. I’m trying to keep my mind thinking in a positive proactive way but I have my moments. I really want to focus on exercising to help me be stronger physically and hopefully cope better with whatever happens to my body.
On a brighter, more positive side, I’m really proud of B. He got up early this morning and walked a mile and a half at the park. I’m so glad he took the first steps. He’s got a wellness visit scheduled soon. That is a big deal too because he hasn’t had one since maybe when he was a teenager. I’m cheering him on as he cheers me on too.
May 23, 2013 – Diagnosis Scoliosis, Surgery, and Coping
She (costochondritis) seems to be easing with the meds, heating pad, and rest. I am glad for that and I really hope it will not be a chronic issue. I learned my scoliosis x-ray results today. I do have mild scoliosis. It is an 18 degree curve at T 11 on my spine. I’ll go back for follow-up x-rays in 6 months to check if the scoliosis is progressing. I also have some back exercises to try that my doctor recommended. I’m relieved to have an answer but I’m afraid of what progression could mean if that occurs. If I hadn’t had heartburn and abdominal pain, I wouldn’t have had the upper GI done. I’m glad the upper GI was normal but that also showed the curve I had no idea was there. I’m thankful I spoke up and asked for the scoliosis x-rays. I’m glad to know what is going on there. It explains possibly the costochondritis. I think I can blame losing an inch in height with scoliosis. I’ve been thinking I’ve been imagining feeling like my shoulders were off in some way and my posture was harder to maintain. I know I wasn’t imagining that now. It is an uneasy feeling with a touch of relief if that makes any sense. I’ve just got to put the what ifs aside and deal with each day. It may mean I’m dealing with pain like I have the last few days in my left shoulder and back.
On another layer medical mess, I saw a surgeon this week about removing my pilar cyst. It showed up about 6 months after I gave birth to the little men. It wasn’t that big at first and I wish I had it dealt with back then. It could have been an in office procedure. Unfortunately, I’ve let the cyst grow to the point I’m having outpatient surgery for removal under general anesthesia at the hospital next month. It is a little bigger around than a quarter and is raised about a half inch. I’ve lost hair on the cyst so I have a bit of a bald area on the top left of my head. A pilar cyst isn’t really the kind of thing that can be drained. It is an encasement of keratin. The whole capsule has to be removed. I think I’m dreading finding out how much hair was shaved in the surgical area, seeing the scar, and the pain as it heals. The surgeon said he wouldn’t know if he would use staples or stitches until he is working on it. He also said cutting on the scalp causes excessive bleeding when removing a pilar cyst. He told me that a bunch of goop would be put on the wound that can be washed out in the shower the next day. I’m guessing that June 10th will be the worst hair day ever.
I’m focused on leaning on B, my family, LM and other dear friends when things get too much. I was reminded recently that all that is going on with my health doesn’t just affect me. It affects B and the boys too. I’m really working on talking about my feelings and what I need with B. I’m trying not to hold everything in. I’ve got to pray about things. God will help me through the hard days.
May 17, 2013 – She Has a Name
I think I have a name for my latest health ailment. It’s a nice long name. I don’t want to be friends with this one. She can leave as soon as possible. Her name is costochondritis. It is a fancy name for inflammation in my ribs and associated cartilage.Mayo Clinic Info. I went to see my dr. yesterday because the pain had gotten constantly tender and painful. I don’t have the symptoms of gallbladder or a kidney infection. When the dr. pressed the front of my rib cage the pain immediately radiated to the back of my rib cage. So it’s hello costochondritis…I hope the steroids make you go and never come back. I like to live life. I like to sleep at night. The concerning thing is I don’t know what caused this and I hope it will go away. It could be quite a few things but I know what I suspect. I asked my dr for a closer look at the curve in my spine by way of x-rays. The tech showed me my images afterwards. The curve is definitely there in the thoracic part of my rib cage. I won’t know for a few days how much of a curve is there. I don’t know when scoliosis showed up in my life but here she is. I was checked for it as a child and it wasn’t found then. Subtlety over the past two years I’ve felt slight discomfort in my upper body. Not pain but it would feel like my shoulders were slightly off or I had to really work at holding my back perfectly straight. I hadn’t thought much about it all this time but now I am wondering what scoliosis will mean in my life. I’m trying to take each day as it comes, think positively, and not wonder too hard on the what ifs. I don’t want to end up like my sweet Mamaw with osteoarthritis that had her bent in half and eventually broke her back. I need to stop thinking too hard about the what ifs and think about taking care of me today and each day as it comes. I’ll admit that I’m a little scared.
May 15, 2013 – Blessing and Memories
My Mother’s Day weekend was blessed. I really enjoyed the time with B and the boys. The little men had a bike-a-thon on Saturday morning. It was amazing to see them both get more confident in pedaling their bikes. We have to take them to the park to have opportunities to practice normally since we live on a steep hill on the part that is paved. We met up with Granddaddy and BomBom for lunch and enjoyed catching up with them. After lunch, we loaded up and went to AL to go to Target, Burkes Outlet, JCPenney’s, Panera, and Krispy Kreme. I found some new clothes at Target. I found a strapless maxi dress that looked amazing, an owl tee, and jeans. I adore the jeans. I had never bought skinny jeans but I gave them a try….oh my sexy! The fit was great and my but looked incredible. I picked up a crossbody purse at Burkes. I was really needing something for the concerts we will be attending this summer. It should be perfect. I enjoyed Panera and I love the iced green tea. I wish Panera was closer to home. We found clothes for the boys at JCP. We took our tired selves home after eating doughnuts. It was a fun Saturday. Sunday, I wore the new dress so I felt extra pretty for church services. I got the birdfeeder I hinted at from B and the boys. It was a pretty blue. I really enjoyed putting it out and filling it with birdseed. Since then I’ve enjoyed the birds and squirrels greatly because I put this feeder closer to the house where we can all see the critters eating. The little men made sweet crafts in their Sunday school class that I’ll always treasure. I felt loved and special on Mother’s Day this year. I’m blessed.
My mom had posted a picture of my Mamaw on Facebook over the weekend.The picture was from January 1946 when she married my Popaw. It is hard to believe that it has been 12 years since she died. She is one person I miss every single day. She was the best person I’ve ever known. She was a kind, hard-working, Christian woman. If I can be the least bit like her, then I can die happy someday. I haven’t been able to bring myself to visit her grave since she was buried there. I find it hard to go back to her house. I wish she could have met the little men. I still tear up just thinking of her. I treasure all the times I spent with her in my younger years. I have beautiful memories to hold on to.
May 9, 2013 – Mother’s Day Thoughts
What do I want for Mother’s Day? I admit I hinted that I’d really like a new bird feeder. Mine is rusty and the squirrels do gymnastics on it. I enjoy the birds so I would enjoy that. It doesn’t sound like much but it would be appreciated. Otherwise, treat me like the queen of the hill like I am. I just want a fairly stress-free day with the family. I’m thankful that God blessed me to have the opportunity to be a mom. It is the best and hardest job.
Mother’s Day this year falls on the date of my little men’s due date in 2008. May 12, 2008 was Mother’s Day that year too. Of course, I had the boys at 36 weeks instead of their due date. I’ll always remember getting my BFP on Labor Day 2007 and my due date being Mother’s Day 2008. It is perfect in my mind. Even though early, the date of their birth was awesome too. Since 1999, the number 15 has been a good thing in my life. I began dating B on Feb. 15, 1999. We celebrated monthly and soon yearly anniversaries when we were dating and engaged…which would fall on the 15th. B and I got married on Feb. 15, 2003. It seems so appropriate that our babies were born on April 15. I say 15 is a blessed number in my life.
One aspect I try to remember on Mother’s Day is those dealing with infertility and miscarriage. Those who have been through one or many losses are mothers too. I’ve been there on struggling with infertility and it hurts to be reminded how much you want to be a mom and it hasn’t happened yet. Stepmoms, foster moms, and adoptive moms are all mothers whether they have given birth to other children or not. I’m not perfect but I try to be sensitive to others because I don’t know what they are going through or have dealt with in their life.
Hooting Right Along 