November 9, 2013 – Waiting on Labwork

Tick, tick, tick, tick…..the clock ticks on as I’m waiting. I’m trying not to worry until I have something to worry about. I had 6 vials of blood taken from my arm this past Wednesday afternoon at the rheumatologist. I have a list of what all the lab was checking. It will be Monday before I hear anything result wise. It doesn’t help as I have waited the last couple of days my left hand has been having tremors throughout the days and my wrists are aching. The tremors make me a nervous wreck after a while. I may have nothing to worry about result wise and if that is true then I’m thankful. I’ll move on to the next doctor that can help. IF the results show something very off, I have all kinds of concerns. I’m a little scared of the what ifs. I don’t dare go into all my crazy worries here because I will have a long cry trying to put my thoughts into words. I don’t want to cry yet. I don’t want to cry unless I have a reason too.

This is the list of labs done. The part that is dark on the right says anti-histone. I’ve looked all this up already. This website seems to be a good resource for a non medical person to generally understand: Index of Lab Tests

May 23, 2013 – Diagnosis Scoliosis, Surgery, and Coping

She (costochondritis) seems to be easing with the meds, heating pad, and rest. I am glad for that and I really hope it will not be a chronic issue. I learned my scoliosis x-ray results today. I do have mild scoliosis. It is an 18 degree curve at T 11 on my spine. I’ll go back for follow-up x-rays in 6 months to check if the scoliosis is progressing. I also have some back exercises to try that my doctor recommended. I’m relieved to have an answer but I’m afraid of what progression could mean if that occurs. If I hadn’t had heartburn and abdominal pain, I wouldn’t have had the upper GI done. I’m glad the upper GI was normal but that also showed the curve I had no idea was there. I’m thankful I spoke up and asked for the scoliosis x-rays. I’m glad to know what is going on there. It explains possibly the costochondritis. I think I can blame losing an inch in height with scoliosis. I’ve been thinking I’ve been imagining feeling like my shoulders were off in some way and my posture was harder to maintain. I know I wasn’t imagining that now. It is an uneasy feeling with a touch of relief if that makes any sense. I’ve just got to put the what ifs aside and deal with each day. It may mean I’m dealing with pain like I have the last few days in my left shoulder and back.

On another layer medical mess, I saw a surgeon this week about removing my pilar cyst. It showed up about 6 months after I gave birth to the little men. It wasn’t that big at first and I wish I had it dealt with back then. It could have been an in office procedure. Unfortunately, I’ve let the cyst grow to the point I’m having outpatient surgery for removal under general anesthesia at the hospital next month. It is a little bigger around than a quarter and is raised about a half inch. I’ve lost hair on the cyst so I have a bit of a bald area on the top left of my head. A pilar cyst isn’t really the kind of thing that can be drained. It is an encasement of keratin. The whole capsule has to be removed. I think I’m dreading finding out how much hair was shaved in the surgical area, seeing the scar, and the pain as it heals. The surgeon said he wouldn’t know if he would use staples or stitches until he is working on it. He also said cutting on the scalp causes excessive bleeding when removing a pilar cyst. He told me that a bunch of goop would be put on the wound that can be washed out in the shower the next day. I’m guessing that June 10th will be the worst hair day ever.

I’m focused on leaning on B, my family, LM and other dear friends when things get too much. I was reminded recently that all that is going on with my health doesn’t just affect me. It affects B and the boys too. I’m really working on talking about my feelings and what I need with B. I’m trying not to hold everything in. I’ve got to pray about things. God will help me through the hard days.

March 21, 2012 – Surgery for L

I’m in a better emotional place than I was when writing the previous post. I was having a series of frustrating days filled with pain and depression. Somewhere between talking about it with B and feeling much encouraged after attending church, I’m in a better state of mind. Nothing is really fixed but my attitude is better. Anyhoo, L has surgery tomorrow to repair the meatal stenosis. It is outpatient surgery. It will probably take longer to put him under general anesthesia and back out than the actual surgery. I’m optimistic that after L has healed that we have a chance to get back on track with potty training and him not being in constant discomfort. I’m a little nervous for him but I’m praying about it and just trying to hope for the best.

March 14, 2012 – Push Forward

It has almost been a month since I have posted anything. I just haven’t had my mind there. Between the neverending headache I have, increasing endometriosis pain, my negative self-talk, and my boys being difficult, I’m not in a great mood for sharing. Headache-It won’t stop hurting completely. If it is hurting less, my sinuses just feel tender. Excedrin doesn’t seem to be helping. Feeling tensed, which I have been a lot lately, sure isn’t helping my head. My Endometriosis– has really intensified over the past week. I feel like there is nothing to do that can help it. Ibuprofen takes off the edge if it is really bothering me. Otherwise, I rest between trying to stay busy with housework. I end up hurting more by bending and moving a lot but it is miserable just sitting with the pain too. Happy MotherFrogging Endometriosis Awareness Month. Negative Self Talk– I am as hateful to myself as ever. I seem to think if there was something I think of or dream of doing in my future…I basically decide that I will fail. I am stupid. I will not succeed. I’m somewhat worthless in many aspects. I’m a pile of dog poo that think that I am always wrong and I can’t trust that I have a valuable thought. Difficult Boys– L is being increasingly defiant, whiny, and a pain. He is strong willed and he is driving his parent units up the creek. Sidenote-L’s urologist appointment is tomorrow. He is not any better. I am assuming he will have to have that procedure to stretch his pee exit. As for A, he had been at a easy to work with stage for a while. He has developed a fear of animals over the past couple of weeks. It isn’t pictures or talking about them that concerns A. It is the sight of an animal in his presence. He will admit that no animal has hurt him. I don’t recall him seeing anything scary on TV. I don’t really know what triggered it. He will scream like someone is hurting him just at seeing or hearing an animal. It makes constant turmoil since we have an indoor cat that is now scared to death of the child. Everytime poor Sam needs to get food, water, or to his litter box….A will scream, panic, and yell. There is no rationalizing with him. B and I took him and L to the park to feed ducks as this phobia was starting and he flipped at seeing the ducks. No ducks got close to him. Last week, I took L and A outside to play. A started panicking because he heard a dog bark. The dog was behind the house across the street tied up. It has never been an issue. I had to bring him back in the house. I feel trapped in some sort of insane asylum. It doesn’t matter what I say, what I do, or how I react, A’s behavior has not been altered. Last weekend, B and I noticed him becoming upset that he was going to get hit by a car in a parking lot when holding my hand to enter a store. He also got upset at hearing other people talking in a store and said they should go home.

I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll curl up in the fetal position with my headache and endo pain while talking hateful about myself while my insane children push my mind to full on crazy. The other option is to take a dose of Buspar and push forward.

January 17, 2012 – Life Right Now…

This seems to be my first post of 2012. It only took 17 days to get to it. Where do I start? I’ll start with some positives of the last couple of weeks first. Thanks to generous Christmas giving from family we were able to replace our “trying to be a fire hazard” dryer with a new model. The other dryer was really old. It had belonged to my Granny and she barely used it when she had it. It was getting hot with the smell of electrical things burning.  Another thing we were able to do through the generous giving was a dining room table. I am thrilled to have the table. It is great to have a set of table and chairs that we can all sit together to enjoy a meal. We haven’t been able to do that since before the boys were born. With the previous table, the chairs wore out faster than the table. We were able to sell the table to make room for being able to use our dining room as a dining room even if there is a treehouse and a play kitchen in there too. We got a counter-height table and four chair set. It looks like it cost more than it did. I haven’t got a good picture to share yet but I may add one later. A gift card from my brother has helped me get a headstart into finally organizing my closet. It still needs me to work on it some more but I’ll get to it. Life gets in the way of big organizing projects sometimes.

As for life, there has been hacking and coughing with a side of drainage. That can go away please. It is a little better but sinus annoyance never completely leaves. Then the second weekend of the year when B and I had a date, I was given the gift of diarrhea.  That seemed never ending and drained my energy. The only good thing is I was the only one who got that. It must of been something I ate.

The big thing is figuring out what is wrong with my L. He was doing well with potty training except for pooping in the potty up until about four months ago. He stopped wanting to use the potty to pee. He said it hurt to pee. He also stopped pooping daily. I took him to be evaluated for an UTI. He didn’t have an infection and the constipation continued. Efforts were made to increase his fiber intake by diet and metamucil. The best was every 2-3 days per poop. Because L would tell us that “the bootie and the hand hurts” we thought the discomfort was constipation and it was causing referred pain related to peeing. As for the hand…there is not a thing wrong with his hand it is just a transference of discomfort thing. Anyhoo, it turns out he was meaning it hurt to pee. He had begun holding his pee until he couldn’t any longer. It’s a messy, frustrating scenario. He was refusing to potty at all most of the time. After some episodes of rolling in the floor while crying in pain, I took him to be evaluated for an UTI or whatever was going on. I learned in the initial results that he didn’t appear to have an infection but there was protein present that shouldn’t be in his bladder. We came home with a prescription for an antibiotic, lactulose for the constipation, and an order for a test to be done tomorrow. L will be having an VCUG or voiding cystourethogram. That involves putting a catheter in to put whatever it is they can see with an x-ray in his bladder. Then there are x-ray’s taken to see where his pee goes and how his body is working. I hope this gives us answers but I dread it for L.  B and I just know that something isn’t right. We’ve got to get our baby some help.

 

July 19, 2011 – Letting Go…A Little

I lost my children at the end of a dream I woke up from. I had let them spend some time with some teen girls I knew and by the end of the dream no one knew where the boys were. I think if the dream continued I probably wouldn’t have liked it. I don’t like it now though. Between losing the boys and being late for an appointment during the dream, I just feel a little nervous this morning. The boys are currently sleeping in their room. I’m hoping to make a trip on Thursday with just the boys and maybe LM with me. Maybe I’m nervous about that. I don’t let the boys very far from me other than Bible class and sleepovers with Nana and Pop Pop. I’m probably overprotective in that way. I didn’t want to even think about returning to work after giving birth to the boys. I’m still at home with them at age 3. I hope to send them to preschool when they turn 4. If I feel content/confident with the preschool situation, I think I can be ok with that. I need to be. The boys need me to let go a little. I miss my babies being little babies.

June 23, 2011- The Beginning of a Blog

Welcome to my blog if there is someone actually reading this! I’m Britt. I’m married to B. This year we have been together 12+ years and married 8+ years. We have twin boys, A and L, age 3. I’m currently a stay at home mom. I’ve been blessed to be able to stay home with my boys the past few years.

I’ll admit this is not my first blog. I’ve been blogging along since at least 2005 and as a handwritten diary before that. I felt it was time for a new blog and a fresh start. My previous blogs have been very limited to public view due to their diary/personal type of nature and no one needs to read that. So here is my fresh start. What does that mean? I’m not completely sure.  I’m going to intend to keep this blog public in nature which makes me slightly nervous. I come across in person shy and reserved. If you get to know me well, I might talk your ears off. Until then, I’m cautious and reserved.

Now that I’ve got that awkward first post out of the way, maybe my next posting will be more fun or interesting or whatever. It’s time for me to get the little men breakfast anyway. I hear them in their room singing their ABC’s together. I love them!

Until next time…